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After all, maybe we have some “secrets,” too. This also inevitably opens up channels of greater honesty, which in turn can foster greater intimacy. If you can begin to talk about porn and bring it out of the shadows, the awkwardness, embarrassment, and pain often begin to dissipate. There’s a simple antidote to this: communication. The idea that pornography is just another facet of human sexual expression, and that, freed of the exploitative practices that have plagued its production, it might not be the sexist, erection-deflating, marriage-wrecking, impossible-body-standard-generating scourge that many of us believe it to be is a radical one. The feeling that he’s withholding from you-both physically and emotionally-tends to cause the most distress.

he’s been doing something you’re wholly unaware of, something sexual, something that involves images of other women. My female clients who find their male partners watching porn often feel as if their partners have been harboring a secret, i.e. I’m not suggesting this is the best news you’ll hear all week, but I’m also saying it’s hardly the end of the world, or your relationship. With the advent of the internet and its cornucopia of porn sites, men have found the most convenient way in human history to satisfy their visually stimulated need for release. Men also happen to be wired more for indiscriminate procreation and in turn, instant gratification. This isn’t the case for the vast majority of men, though, who are simply following their impulses from time to time with porn.Īs a rule, men tend to be more visually stimulated than women (and of course there are always exceptions to that rule). Men who indulge in internet porn as a way of avoiding intimacy with their partners probably have some real work to do. Now let me be clear, any behavior that becomes an addiction is usually a problem, particularly when it allows an individual to avoid what’s really going on. Here’s the thing: He’s behaving like many, many men-and it’s likely nothing to worry about. If you’ve ever caught your partner on his computer masturbating when you thought he was working on a Powerpoint presentation for a client…it may have felt dirty, and also, weirdly, like he was cheating on you.

I think a lot of women (including myself) have an initial knee-jerk reaction to internet porn: ew. Got a question about romance, commitment, something seemingly weird your partner does that you just can’t figure out? Email us First up, Allison and David weigh in on the porn debate-does it mean anything if your partner has been watching without you knowing? (For more on the ethics and health of everyone’s-women and men-relationship to porn, see our interview with clinical psychologist and sex therapist, David Ley, Ph.D.)

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We’re launching a new relationship series with life coach Allison White (who trained with legendary psychotherapist Barry Michels), and her screenwriter husband, David White.